just figured!

well here I am again !!!

trying to say somethng htat hasn't quite formed into coherent thoughts.

I guess well that I am starting to feel more and more isolated---like the chouces I have made---though looking back I wouldn't change them have bought me further and further from where I want to be.
so where is it that I want to be---yo know where I am I am remodeling houses----my own houses so it's not tha bad---or am I just glorifying being a landlord because I don't want to come to terms with the fact that that is what I fill the role of currently.

So it comes down to this.---I think I'm energy spent. I need 3 months of isolation from the media driven society that we live in I need to regain the energy levels I once had--am I aging or is it the physical labor. I just have no drive to really push myself to gert things done

I am about 6 onths behind on my taxes---big mistake---hope i get around to it.

I am trying to come up with a paralell of my life but nothing comes to mind except for medocrity of an unintersting type. I have friends I like very much ----but sometimes it dosn't matter.

You See I want to be closer to the pulse of society or one of the pulse cutting edge--discovery that sort of thing---but I slep to much and I never seem to be effiecinet enough with my time to get all the things done tha I want to and if on some day or another I actually do ther is no consistency it's not like I'm getting enough done everyday like I should be to get my mess sraightened out.

Is there a Story here---I sort of theink there might be but if it is interesting I'm not sure.

I wrote a letter once to an x girlfriend----I never sent it and it dosn't matter that it was to my x girlfrind it really had nothing to do with her --it was more of a state of mind and I think it was hte best writing I had ever done in my life.

I was a projectionist at hte time and I spent many hours alone in the projection room---just sitting around so of course i ocasionally wrote. Well this leter was one of those times. and I am trying to remember how it went---but the gist of it was a sort of rage---or disreguar for what was happening . I had a flow of discordance.

when you are sitting somewhere long enough you don't want to sit anymore but you imagine geting up and smashing out a window and jumping out--especially in public buildings---I imagine grabbing the helpless individual behind the counter and throwing them out he window. and of course I would never do this I'm still sitting in the chair---I want to somehow bring the whole building down ----put a crater in the city block the size of hte building. destruction seems like such an obviously good answer to your problems----but i sit there waiting for my turn .
in my car I generally wish I had a right to remove some people from the road----just jump on their car rip back the top and grap the idiot buy the hair and banish them from vehicles-------make it so that whenever they went near a car they would have a horrible burning sensation in their urethra.
what right do I have to judge, well really I don't but I'd like to imagine that society has become too weak to manage the people properly----or that maybe it never was.

well so I feel lke I'm missing out. I feel like I'm going through the same psychological issues as a house wife except I'm a late twehytsomething male who remodels homes with a girlfriend who brings home the bacon. iu mean she might get a kick out of it and it deffinitly takes the pressure off me but ------whe do I go from here.



a small break from before....just got back from dinner at one of the local bars. went to take a piss and noticed two guys in the bathroom---I though it was a little strange but---one guy walked out no sweat on he brow and just washed his hands. the other guy stayed behind somewhere I heard someting like a rubber band snap. then he sits down on the toilet-----and I could tel he was waiting for me to leave. the sad thing is I knew who they guy was---he is a local famous guy a saxaphonist for a local band---an older black guy with really cool dreads. It really disappoined me that he was reduced to shooting smack in the bathroom of a somewhat upscale bar. And it depressed me to see it happenning right in front of me. well so much for perspective--at least I'm not so lost that I'm on a horse high on tuesday night after shooting up in the bathroom stall of the local brew pub---who happens to make a pretty good chocolate stout.